Monday, December 17, 2012

Lifted Hands

Many  who know me know  that I have my  sons  names tattooed on the top of my wrists.  I have been asked the question, "why are the names facing out and not towards you"?  The reason  why is because, I had to give Blaze and River back to the Lord. So when  I  lift my hands up towards  Him, it symbolizes this act of    love and obedience to  the Lord.  It wasn't always this easy.  I thought about this as I watched the President address the families who's children were taken from them  abruptly without warning, the sobs in the audience sounded familiar.  I remember those sobs myself as I held my sons  lifeless bodies in my arms.  Problems on this Earth that can't be fixed, test the faith  to the ultimate core  of who we are.

I  used to be afraid to lift my hands in worship.  Wondering who would  judge me.  Wondering if I'd  seem a little weird.   But now, it's not about what others think, it's a  matter of the heart.  When I sing worship songs to the Lord,  a lot of times, it's  difficult, due to my  heavy heart and longing for Heaven.  The words  of these songs  penetrate to my soul. Due to my aching to see my children again and for faith to finally be sight I lift up my hands and most the time I am sobbing.  I  lift up my hands a lot now,  because I have to constantly give my children back to the Lord.  I  have to "let go".   So I  do, and it hurts, real  bad.  I don't care if this makes me look  weird,  because it is sincere, and  I have  nothing to lose only love and comfort to gain from the Lord.

Recently,  I  took up  running.    It will  be three months this December  25th!   I have run my first 5k, with a dear friend, and  we  did well!  It was very moving for me, that as I crossed the finish line, all I could think of, was Heaven.  And, I automatically raised my hands to Heaven.  I imagined what it would be  like, to finally be done and enter into the Kingdom of Heaven and rejoice and spend eternity praising God.  After the race, I felt  stronger  in my faith, and weaker as a person if that makes sense.    I am no longer trying to be accepted by people,  but striving to cross the finish line, where my Savior says, "well done".    I did not know that a picture would be snapped of  me doing this, but I am thankful that I can look back and see my  foot just about to cross that line and my hands  raised up to Heaven!!!   And I am not alone, not only is the Lord  my help, but my friends push me to keep going, to never give up and to dig deep to finish the race. God is filling me up,  and  I can see that He is working a miracle in me.   I am so thankful, His love is so amazing!

My heart is broken, and the Lord has been sustaining me for almost 10 years of grief.   It is a testimony of the ultimate grace and mercy of  Jesus Christ.  Eternal life is the goal, eternity with Christ  and  where all tears will be wiped  away,  all broken hearts will be complete once again.  This is my only hope.

Psalm 141

A psalm of David.

I call to you, Lord, come quickly to me;
    hear me when I call to you.
May my prayer be set before you like incense;
    may the lifting up of my hands be like the evening sacrifice.

Saturday, December 1, 2012

For the Heaven Babies 2012

sweet lil' babes
gifts God gave
held you tight
love you with all my might

hard to let go
humbling  you know
God gives and  takes away
my heart will choose to say

"blessed be the name of the Lord..."
play my heart string chord
my real life is kinda heavy
for Heaven, I am ready

Jesus, his birth
reminder as my face is in the dirt
I think of the reason he came
as I recite your names

You will always be a part
of each beat of my heart
Many a stranger grasps to understand
when I tell them why your names are tattooed on my hands

An opportunity
to testify of eternity
I didn't know then, but I know now
I  could not praise then, I did not know how

The Lord is good
I misunderstood
Pain got the best of me
now I dwell on eternity

Christmas time is here
to Jesus I draw near
a little babe born to die
for my sins so I testify

sweet lil' babes
gifts God gave
held you tight
love you with all my might

I will hold you again one day,
"silent night, holy night, all is calm, all is bright, sleep in Heavenly peace...."

Christmas 2012
River, Blaze, Miriam, August

Wednesday, November 21, 2012


dirty and broken
I fell on the floor
crying in hopelessness
can't take this anymore
rejected and prideful
I fell on the ground
not able to look up
in my shame I almost drowned
one hand came down
in front of my face
someone else dared
join me in this place
this place of sorrow
pity and shame
who would dare
what is the name
of someone brave
someone daring
who would enter in
who would be so caring
I did not accept
the hand reached  out
the fact that it was there
made me doubt
I could not trust
the motives of someone who'd take this risk
so I grit my teeth
and barred my fists
then came the two hands
with nothing inside
I couldn't understand
or see past my own pride
two hands  were there
formed into a cup
how could that help
how could that get me up
out of this pit
this place of despair
where no one wanted to be
even I didn't want to be there
I wiped away my tears
to take a closer look
I was afraid
in fear I shook
I vowed to trust no one
from the pain I had endured
my hard heart was permanent
it could not ever be cured
then I looked in the hands
formed into a cup
I was so shocked by what I saw
I had to look up
Two holes driven
in the center of each hand
what was this
I could not understand
As my face lifted up
hope and compassion is what I saw
his wounds were worse than mine
sensitive and raw
His pain was real
it's something He did not hide
suddenly my heart softened
I had no more pride
His pierced hands helped me stand
He bid me to come  along
even in my shame
I knew I could not go wrong
He carried me out
and took me to a better place
a place of forgiveness
love and grace
Anyone who dared
to love someone like me
He broke down the walls of separation
His love set me free
I've found a friend in Jesus
joyful tears I now cry
He came to rescue me
when I thought no one cared if I lived or died
His love is so amazing
He changed my heart forever
I know I am never alone
That He and I will face it all together....

"He brought me out into a broad place; he rescued me, because He delighted in me."   Psalm  18:19

Monday, November 19, 2012

No Sleep, I Blame Grief...

This time of year, for those of us who have endured deaths of loved ones is not easy.  Holidays are difficult.  Yes, they are.   Well at least for me they are, are they for you?  Or am I a lone ranger?  I do not really know how other people feel, but, for me, holidays are most difficult.

One symptom of grief, is loss of sleep.  So tonight, anticipating, my horrible night of sleep, I am encouraged to write out my angst.  My hearts cry.

One burden that rests on my shoulders is the lack of long suffering support.  Even from those under my own roof.  It is lacking, people forget, others I know experience the opposite.  I am so happy for them, but that is not my story.  I do not feel sorry for me, it is part of my cup.  So, I drink it.  My whole journey there had been a lack of  long term support.  But not from God, from people.  Are you long suffering?  Or are you a "one meal deal"?  Tell me, tell me which one you are?  I am not saying that bringing a meal is nothing, it is so helpful.  But, should the support stop there?

On the other hand, I know that people pray.  And sometimes, I am guilty of assuming people have forgotten, and yet, they continue to lift me up before the Lord.  That is a lot.  So for those prayers I am grateful.

Each year, facing anniversaries, holidays, and such, come with a great pill to swallow.  I choke it down each time, but it is the most difficult swallow.  Sometimes I wish I would choke on it to meet my own demise, but I do choke it down and I do come out more humble every year because I live through it, and love through it..  It's been 9 years.  I guess, the Lord has a wagon of humbleness for me to endure.  My pride must be bursting, so it needs  to be broken down, piece by piece.  So, for that, I am thankful.

River's death came as a total shock.  9 years.  It's surreal really.  I remember his death just like it happened recently.  I remember kissing his picture, knowing, this is the first problem I endured that could not be fixed.  I fell asleep in my closet holding his empty blanket, only to wake up to my living hell on earth.   His death truly left a huge void.  It's so hard to live without a person you dreamed of, and the dream came true only to be taken without ever getting to enjoy that dream come true.

The holiday  season after River was painful to say the least.  But, I was a novice at grief and loss of a child.  I do believe loss is different for each person, just as God created us all different and unique.  For me to have a child die, was a recipe for disaster.  If you know me, you will understand what I am saying.  I am not proud of my deep  love for each of my children, but, it is how God made me. Sometimes it's hard for me to balance that God comes first, and I must entrust these children in to His ultimate care. To have River die and Blaze too, well, let's just say, "not good".  God took what was dearest.  But, I believe God is turning my shortcomings for His good through the healing process, even through my mistakes.

I can't help but jump right into Blaze.  Talk about River being a shock.  Well, Blaze was a confirmation of suffering.  To carry a child full term that you knew in your heart would die.  It's a calling.  It's a painful calling;    But, I did it.  With much pain, I did it.  I begged for healing....have you ever seen a beggar?  Truly.  Someone who is really in need? And then,  people just pass by?  That's how I felt.  I was begging for one thing, but God chose another....and I had my heart broken......and my spirit broken.  God knew what He was doing, He promised not to destroy me, it was a close call.

Well, many nights since the death of Blaze, I have asked the Lord to take me home.  It's a selfish request. And He has said no.  I am humbled as I have seen many young Christian adults before me die.  It's had me in a turmoil at times.Why them and not me?  I want to  go, they wanted to live...and I am still here.

I will never forget the struggle I had when Blaze died.  The night Blaze was born, a mommy of a Down Syndrome baby died during delivery, and the baby lived.   So the very night my son who had Trisomy 18 was born, the mommy of a Trisomy 21 baby died.   In the same hospital, the same night.  One mommy lived, me, and one mommy died, one baby lived, her baby, and my baby died....I asked God, "Why?"!  Why didn't you take me, and not let that mommy live?"!  Why leave one and not the other, and one and not the other???  I was  angry!!!!  Take me and Blaze and leave that Mommy and her son.....but God said, no, and He did it His way.  His way was best, I see that now.

As a result, my heart became angry.  And two miscarriages later, and cancer testing for a year, I became bitter.  I was angry at everyone, for reasons unexplained.  I took my  pain  out on those close to me, which resulted in those close to me becoming distant, ruined relations, and consequences paid in full.  Nothing will ever be the same.  I believe God can continue to heal those relationships, they might not ever be the same, but they can be even better.

Is my heart aching for healing within these broken relationships, or is my heart in a deeper longing for Heaven and being reunited with the dear ones I held?   I think the latter.  So it leaves me in an awkward place.  I long for peace and harmony, and I long for Heaven and for relief.  The stronger pull is the latter.  I confess this to the :Lord everyday.  I want to have both equal.

Some are still angry and/or disappointed in me for my fall, but I long for Heaven more than for acceptance from them.   I have to live under the Lord and His grace.  I am not sure how to go from here, my pain has been so made known to me that it has to be kept private for the most part. My private pain is a reality for my everyday life.  Therefore, I have to live under God's grace.  Especially this time of year, when it all wants to come to the surface and rear it's ugly head. My desire is to be with the Lord.  So if people have a problem with me, I am so sorry, but I am more aching for Heaven. I felt done last year, and here I am again.  My acceptance and grace has to come from the Lord during times of difficulty.  Which is all the time.

The Lord calls for peace, so that is my prayer this year.  To be at peace with those who are not at peace with me.  Soften our hearts Lord.  Help us to see You!  Help me to see You, over my own grief and pain. Help me to love those who do not love me, and help those who do not love me, to love me.

Now, I need to talk about my contentment.  I am content.  I know what God planned for me, for River, Blaze, Miriam and August was for our good!  Don't get me wrong.  I am human, and I struggle  I will miss them every single moment!  But, still, I accept God's plan.  I always believed I would teach my children great things about God, but instead, my children are the ones teaching me great things about God.  And that great thing is eternal life with our dear Savior, Jesus Christ!  It's the most important thing.

Friday, October 26, 2012

Heavy Hurting Heart

heavy hurting heart
looking for a way
to lift the aching load
under the clouds of gray

finding comfort in
places you dare not go
the temporary fixes
become unraveled  so

heavy and broken heart
trying to put on a show
hiding all the broken pieces
so that no one will know

that wise can become simple
and strong can become weak
that smells that were once fragrant
can soon begin to wreak

when left unto themselves
with no one there to bear
loads too heavy for lifting...

makes it feel like no one cares

so hearts can become bitter
and roots from pain increase
when people turn away
and let compassion cease

long suffering Savior!
make us come to their aid
so no one EVER gives up
help them understand the price You paid

you taught the world
that love means sacrifice
and to help someone in need
means, you lay down your own life.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012


Tomorrow, I face the two week countdown of my son's 6 year death anniversary.  It's so surreal, thinking about the day he died, and how Blaze and River are so inter mixed together.  Even though they died 3 years apart, it's like it was yesterday for both.

In less than 6 months I will face River's 10 year anniversary.  Part of me wants to be done.  I'd say a good percentage.  Isn't it long enough to be apart?  But then, I am torn.

I just want to complain today.  I want to run away.  I want to run....away....I want to something.  I want to someone....I want to hug and kiss my sons again.  I want to run to them and hug them and smell their sweet smells.  Believe it or not, I still have their smells, individually logged in my brain.

I want to I will.  This is a new chapter of my life.  Running.  I am not running away anymore.   But I am running towards something.  My goal.  Heaven.

I miss Blaze more than my next breath. He was extraordinary.  I am so blessed to be his Mommy.

Blaze in my belly, wishing I could freeze time.
For Heaven's Sake,

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Tattoos, I won't apologize ....

I have several tattoos in memory of my babies in Heaven.  For me personally, I will not ever feel ashamed, or apologize for them.  Not now, not ever.  It is a healthy way for me  to express  my grief, along with my writing.  Some people have been rather condemning of both, but I think that stems from fear.

I have Blaze and River's names tattooed on my forearms.  Their names are facing out, so that when I lift my hands to the Lord in worship, it symbolizes me giving them back to Him.  It's rather painful, but I find this very comforting when I worship.  It does bring many tears, but what is so wrong with that?

I have a sunflower on my back.  Did you know sunflowers turn their faces to the sun, and that is what I do too?.  Where ever He leads, the Son of  God's warmth leads me so...., I go.  Sometimes I have not been a willing passenger, but He did not give me a choice, I just had to be like a child, and obey. But, in the journey, I was glad I did.

I have a vine on my left ankle.  God says, "I am the vine, you are the branches....He is the vine...I cling to Him.  I pray I can bear the fruit He calls me to bear.  If I don't I will wither, I don't want to wither.

I have 4 birds flying out of a cage on my right ankle.  My four babies in Heaven, are the ones who are truly free, set free from the bondage and evil of this world.  My only hope is in Heaven, and that I will see them again one day soon.  My treasures are truly in Heaven!!!  It's all I have.  My hope, my joy, my saving grace, is when I meet Jesus  and maybe He will be the one to allow me to hold each precious baby again...what a dream come true!

I have a heart with wings  on my right forearm.  I prayed for Blaze night and day, for his heart to be healed on this Earth.  But God said, NO!  God healed the hole in my son's heart in Heaven, so as a symbol of God's answer, I have a heart with wings on the same arm with Blaze's name.  Blaze was taken up to the place with no more tears...Heaven.  I will meet my son there again one day.

Now, for River.  The left arm.  I have an anchor.  Because God was truly my anchor in that storm.  When God showed me a problem on Earth that could  not be fixed until Heaven.  And God, was my only anchor to keep me grounded.  All friends were stripped away! Without Him, I would have given up the ship.   I would have sunk!  But He kept me, He was my anchor that saved me from the damage the storm caused.  The Lord was, and  still is,  my anchor in the storm.

I am a walking storybook.  Either you love me as I am, or you don't.  Your choice.   Whatever you choose does not affect me at all.  God loves me.

I am loved eternally, by my Savior who has inscribed my name on the palm of His hands.

This is not up for debate.

Revelation 19
15 From his mouth comes a sharp sword with which to strike down the nations, and he will rule them with a rod of iron. He will tread the winepress of the fury of the wrath of God the Almighty. 16 On his robe and on his thigh he has a name written,King of kings and Lord of lords.

Saturday, September 29, 2012

The Precious Present

Beautiful one, you don't know
how you caused hope to grow
from lowly state and grief
from giving up spirit and disbelief

One day I will tell you
how you made my dreams come true
after your brother died
so many  were the tears I cried

broken heart  lifted up
mercy filled my sorrow cup
your life became my clinging rope
Jesus was our only hope

October means our heart cries
love, grit, on the belly we try
to pray as we remember the pain
holding hope of Heaven to gain

but you reminded us of new life
amidst the sorrow, stress and strife
the ugly worm becomes the butterfly
lowered faces, lifted up to the sky

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

My Hiding Place

I have never talked about this before.  But, during the time I became silent and alone, where I had practically no friends, and most of my family didn't see me anymore, was actually a gift from God.  God gave me a hiding place to heal. I did not see it back then.  No one knew the particulars of each loss from Blaze to Miriam, to August.  It was heavy.  God chose to take me, and put me in the valley, with just Him and me.   I shut everyone else out, but I believe, this was a part of  God's plan.  He made Himself all I needed.  He became my all sufficient God.  He was my hiding place even when I didn't understand the gift in that sanctuary.

I had my last child, at 39 years old.  These photos are my very first time holding her.  You have no idea what this moment meant to me.  I felt like a failure for so long, I was in awe that God blessed me with a living, healthy baby.  I  could not believe what my 39 year old, grief stricken eyes were seeing.  Little did I know one month later I almost would lose her  from her marrow not kicking in to make her own blood cells.  And again, I told God, I'm done...but His grace covered my weak faith and God saved her  with the help of two blood tranfusions.  I don't know why, but He saved me and my family from another loss.  The doctor told us, if we had waited two more weeks, she'd be dead.

God is bringing me through the valley.  He is blessing me through great pain.  I know I can't throw a tantrum to get what I want, but I need to "be still", to trust God completely with those dear ones I love.  It's hard.

The hidden miracle is the blessing of finding God alone is enough for me.  It's a true blessing amidst this most difficult life.  Anything ( I mean anyone)  else that lifts my spirits is frosting on the cake.  And I love frosting.

I am so thankful for these blessings undeserved.  I have nothing to brag about in myself, except, all the gifts I have are blessings from my all sufficient Savior, Jesus Christ, my Lord.

It's painful to come out of hiding,  I am making a lot of mistakes, but I know God is leading me out and through, so, by faith, I am trying to follow His lead. The Lord is near to the broken hearts.

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Rising Up from the Ashes

I  have been inspired by someone. Someone very dear to me,and he has been for a long time.  I basically have watched him lose almost everything in the last few  years.  I  know details about his sorrows that very few know.  I have  been sworn  to secrecy, but I know God  knows  too, and  that brings me peace.

But instead of giving up, he has  been rising up from the ashes, and I am seeing a beautiful transformation in his life.  God is  truly taking the bad that has happened  to him, and making something good.  I am not saying it is  easy for him at all, in fact, I know  the Lord is his  strength, I see it in  his face.

I don't think he realizes  what a powerful testimony his life  is to me.  Tonight, I was watching him, and he gave my heart wings...not many  people are able to do that. I needed to see  it, because today, I was  weak and wanted to throw in the towel, but seeing him shine, gave me hope  that God can shine through me too.

I am so thankful for him, he feels  like the brother I never had.   I love  him dearly.  I pray for God to bless his socks  off in only ways that would be special and speak of God's love to him directly.

Saturday, September 22, 2012

Big Miracle

I watched the movie,"Big Miracle" today.  It stirred up some feelings on grief for me.  The strange part was it was about whales.   Why am I so overwhelmed by a movie about whales?

Why did they call the movie, "Big Miracle" when not all the whales made it?  Maybe the same reason I had, "miracle baby" inscribed  on  my  son's gravestone.

I was standing, looking out the window today.  A  very bad mood had set in from being overwhelmed, tired, worried, burdened.   I don't think anyone gets how hard this  life is for me. And a hummingbird swooped in right in  front of me.   I told myself, "it's not God, it's just a bird flying, and that very bird will die one day".  I wanted to remain cold.  Even though God always tugs at my heart strings. It's like He wants to keep me seeking His face always, and He knows just how to do it.

Reasons for Seasons

It's the first day of Autumn today, my favorite season, which is Summer, is over now.    I enjoyed my Summer so much, each moment was not taken for granted, there were hard days, but I found good even in the bad days.

I have mixed feelings about Autumn.  I love the beauty of it, the colors, smells, rain, harvest, etc.  But, I do not like that Blaze, my dear son, is not here anymore.

He was born October 30th, and he died,  November 1, 2006.  This year, he would be turning 6 years old.  My heart is heavy with the weight of grief, but if I look back on all the healing God has done over the last six years, the word, "miracle" enters my mind.

When I found out Blaze had a fatal chromosomal syndrome, I was in shock.  I felt as if the whole room grew dark and a black hole was swirling right in front of my feet, pulling and bidding my soul to jump in.   At that moment, I had decided, I was done, I even  uttered those words to my husband.  I was  done fighting with God, and simply now, pleading with Him, acknowledging between me and Him that He is sovereign and will do as He pleases with us, but I will still  ask Him to heal my son.  That was my plan A.

I had my plan B, if God doesn't heal my son, I will end my own life.   That thinking is not something I am proud of today, but it gives a picture of where I was at emotionally.   I  went as far as sealing my goodbye notes to my husband, and each daughter, and tucking the letters away, just in case.  

When Blaze was born, he was amazing.  So  many things were going on  with him, it was a miracle  he was even born alive and lived for two days.  Each breath was painful for him.  I wanted to step in and take the pain, but I had to watch him struggle and fight to live.

See, that was where plan  C began.  I could not wrap my brain around how much Blaze fought to live.  He  knew who Nelson and  I were like any newborn baby.   He loved us, and we loved him.  We wanted  to be together and raise our precious boy, no matter how hard it would be.  We were making plans to bring him home.  I saw the courage in each breath, and I knew my 2 day old son, was showing me how to live the rest of my life.  I must fight to live for those I love, no matter the cost or the pain.  I must be self less.

I went home, tore up the goodbye notes and made a promise to God that I would not give up no matter what.  The next two years, I suffered two more losses.  Miscarriages.   People begged me to stop trying for another child.  But, in my heart and my husband's heart, we knew that was not an option.   And God blessed us with a sweet baby girl.  The journey is not easy, but because of Blaze,  there is no fear in love.  When you  love deeply, you hurt more when things don't go the way you hoped they would.  It's a risk worth taking.

This week, I have had the honor of spending time with a sweet little boy, only 2 months younger than Blaze.   He also has a chromosomal syndrome and almost died when he was born.  He was air lifted to UCSF  and had heart surgery, which saved his life.  As his mom coaches my eldest daughters sports team,  I spend  a hour or so  here and there with this young man.   We have tossed a football, blown bubbles, painted, played with play dough, crashed toy  cars together.  We have gone for little walks hand in  hand.  He gives me random hugs and wants to sit in my lap and play with my phone  taking photos and watching power rangers  on youtube.

Yesterday, he  was holding my right hand and looked on my wrist and asked, "what does that say?"  I told him, "it says, Blaze."  Amazingly, he asked, "WHO is Blaze?"  I told him, "Blaze is my son."  "Where is he" he asked.  I told him, "Blaze lives in Heaven" and I pointed upwards to the clouds.  This little guy just looked at me and smiled and we kept walking  hand in  hand.

My heart was full.  I can  not truly  say I am thankful that my son  Blaze died.  I am still devastated.  But, I am trusting in God's plan for Blaze's life, and for mine.  I am trusting  God for things I can not understand.  I am thankful  for God  bringing this little guy  in my life to bless me in the hardest season before spring comes, and I face River's anniversary  of death again.

Life is not easy  for me.  I am one who  loves my family passionately.  It is difficult to let them go and trust God  for each breath they take.  But, I am doing it.  Not perfectly, but I am doing my very best.

I miss Blaze more than my next breath, but I take that next breath in his honor, and to say  thank you, to a God, who gives and takes away.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

The season of Blaze is drawing near

Sweet precious princess faces
all the love for my daughters
fills the void in the empty places
where I miss them

Pretty pink girly things
I am having so much fun
it dulls the ache of Death's sting
of missing them

Little boys who stole my heart
my handsome little princes
too soon did depart
Oh, how I miss them!

I cherish all I have been given
as my grieving heart
can't help but long for Heaven.
 where there is no more missing.

Dear Blaze,

I love you my son, I can't wait to hold you again,  dear precious one.  I can still remember the smell  of your hair, and the softness of  your cheek.  Letting you go, oh how I did weep! Knowing I will see you again is my joy, and I will keep telling your story, so many will remember, my  precious baby boy, my sweet prince, our Blaze of glory...


Saturday, August 25, 2012

Heart with Wings

One night I had a dream
I had a dream that I was born with wings
and when I spread my wings
my heart would sing
When I heard this song
For Heaven I longed
I was lighter than air
flying in the sky up there

Back on the ground
there was no sound
My heart would pound
but, there was no sound

As I was flying up there
I did not have care
I was lighter than air
When I spread my wings
my heart would sing
there was no more suffering

I knew it was not wrong
this is where I belonged!
When I was on the ground
there was no sound
it was only my grief
that I found

The burden in my heart
set me apart
I was alone
and my heart
would moan, and groan

As time went by
I would sit and cry
knowing I had wings
but I was trapped in my suffering

I was not like the others
I was not like the other mothers...

They had no wings
because they did not have this kind of suffering
Their arms were full and not bound
There was no need for them  to leave the ground
Their song was alive
Because their song on Earth thrived

Mine was incomplete
I only thrived when the ground did not touch my feet
I did not want to live down  low
where burdens only grow

Time went by and I learned to soar
I became empowered by Grief's roar
because I was set apart from the others
I was a different kind of mother

My empty arms became strong
seasoned lifted hands for Heaven longed
wings strengthened by the pain
keep pushing off from the ground again

the Earth

When I woke up from this dream
I knew I could soar though I had no wings
Grief could no longer keep me still
I can talk about Heaven, so I will

I will soar every day
I will do so in my own way
As I am still on this Earth
knowing my death will be better than my birth

I choose to soar
I choose not to care anymore
that I am not like the others
I am not like the other mothers

So while I am still here
I will hold my children near
close to my heart
while we are apart

As the day draws near
the Lord collects my every tear
until we are reunited together
and we can soar and sing forever!

True love gives my heart wings
I feel like I can do anything
because I am not like the others
I am not like the other mothers

Death does not have the final say
So I will live in this way:
Knowing this is not the end of the story
looking forward in hope to eternal Glory.

This writing is dedicated to River Christian, Blaze Canyon, Miriam Beth, and August Finn, my babies in Heaven, who I long to hold.  And, to, Hannah Mae, Alyson Kate, Sonoma Skye, and Piper Holiday, my babies under my roof, who I can kiss and hug and tuck in at night....your love and bravery gives my heart wings and gets me through from here to Glory.  How do you live in eternal hope for Heaven?  Ask me, I'll tell you.


Sunday, July 22, 2012


I haven't blogged in awhile, but today, I felt inspired  to write.  So, I'll go with  this rare inspiration of late.

This week my  older two daughters were at camp.   I missed them so much and knew after seven days, they would be home again, God  willing.  And, after seven days, they were home safe and sound.  The van drove up  the drive way, and I ran to hug and kiss them and greet them with a smile ear to ear. To have my arms holding them and to see their beautiful faces was a true blessing,  after waiting, and longing to hold them,  it was a reality! The day I was waiting for was now here!  True bliss!

I knew letting them go to camp was the right thing to do, although, it was hard to trust others with their care. But ultimately, I had to trust God with their lives.  Which I did in obedience, because they belong to the Lord, and He has put them in my husband's and my care.  I  do my very best, but I do struggle and make mistakes.  My intentions as a mom is to always do the right thing out of a mother's love for my children.  I love them more than my own life, so I do many things that stretch my faith, and I try not to mother out of fear, but out of love.  Which meant letting them go.

This morning I woke up with a heavy heart which shocked me.  Hannah and Alyson  were home safe, so why am I so sad?  And right away, I knew it was about waiting to hold River and Blaze again.  And to meet Miriam and August for the first time.  To see their beautiful faces and have my day  of reunions. I have a life time of waiting to do.  And my countenance is very low.  Some people I love have  gone before me and have already  met my children, as I, their mother, still wait.  I have these strange feelings of being jealous  of that.

I know my children are in God's care, and letting them go has been  so  difficult.  It's the ultimate act of letting go, death, that is.  My only hope is that Jesus  conquered death on the cross, so that I will see my children again.  I believe this truth my my whole heart and soul.

God still has a purpose for my life on earth.  Out of faith, I wait on Him to finally end my need to have that very thing, faith.  I long for reunions in Heaven,  while I wait for my purpose to be fulfilled on earth.  My waiting will only be quenched on the day God takes me home to Heaven.  That truth is a bit surreal.  I long for relief from this heavy heart of mine.

In my devotional today, it was not a surprise that the subject matter was on waiting.  The words read like this, "God knows He cannot gather the fruit until it is ripe, and He knows precisely when we are spiritually ready to receive blessing for our gain and His glory.  And waiting in the sunshine of His love is what will ripen our soul for His blessings.   Also, waiting under the clouds of trials is as important, for they will ultimately produce showers of blessings.   Rest assured that if God waits longer than we desire it is simply  to make the blessings doubly  precious."

My arms on earth carry four children.   And my  arms in heaven will also carry four children.  I want all eight of my children to live in paradise...and it's all in God's timing and in His hands. I  can't describe  in words today how torn I am between two places. I  have feelings of wanting to run away, but I  can't go to heaven by my own hand because that would not bring any glory to God, so I wait.  I wait under that sunshine of God's love that my devotional book talks about, until the day  he is ready and  God  willing my life has brought him all the glory it can.

I miss River and Blaze more than my next breath.  Today it hurts  my heart to breath.  I know this is a part of the waves of grief, so I will embrace the pain, because my hurting heart is out of deep love. It is as if it was just yesterday I held them, so maybe when I am finally holding them again, time won't be an issue.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

My Prayer

Spirit fill me
don't delay
I  have not time
nor energy
take me to
the next event
where I perform
so eloquent
your power is
so soft and sweet
it brings me off my knees
to my feet
I can't describe
the love I feel
I know it's true
I know it's real
so if I fail you
please forgive
the reason I breath
the reason I live
is you Lord
it's all you
your word by faith
I believe is true
so please fill me
make  me over flow
so only then
the world will know
it was not me
you take the compliment
of a life broken that shines
a sinner that repents
bring my chin up
to your shoulder so dear
you collect in your bottle
my every tear
it's not for nothing
it's not in vain
that I live for you
to bring you fame
I am your child
your daughter so small
I listen for your anthem
your duty and call
you are my King
I bow to you
dear Savior, my Father
my anchor,  it's true
you are all I have
nothing more
bring me home
guide me to shore

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Happy Mother's Day?

Every year it's pretty much the same. Some people who know me, and know what I have been through, treat me as if my sons, River and Blaze never existed.  They come up to me and say, "Happy Mother's Day",  and they don't acknowledging the fact, that it's a bittersweet day for me.   I have to also talk about my miscarriages as well after Blaze died, that the grief was magnified by the loss of  our baby girl Miriam, and  baby August. I wanted to give up, the pain was too much for me! I have the joy of seeing my children alive in Heaven, and I carry that hope in my heart, but that does not mean life is sorrow free.   Though, I do get tempted to lash out when I'm hurt by people I feel should know better. I am learning that forgiveness sometimes is an everyday effort.  I have been forgiven much, so I must extend that same gift to others.  How hard it must be to understand this grief if you have never been through it!  And, this is not about others, it's about what my children mean to me.  It just gets all jumbled up in the pain.

Some people ignore me all together, they treat me like because my children died, that I died too, and they pretend not to know me anymore.  I get tempted  to give up on relationships when this happens.   I want to sink into a pit and never see the light of day ever again.  It makes me feel like I am not valuable. And then one of my precious girls will come into my view, or I will hear them in the house, and it is a power that can not be anything but God that gets me up and moving forward through life, focusing on them and not on my myself.  And then God whispers to me, "you matter to them(my girls)"...

Then there are those who love me through the painful years since the babies died, knowing that days like Mother's Day will be most difficult, and they validate my pain, but at the same time encourage me with words of love and embrace me with comfort.  This helps more than words can even describe, these people are my "Jesus with skin on" people.  Sometimes it's a friend, sometimes, a stranger I have never met before.  I believe we entertain angels unaware, and I feel like maybe I have during the darkest most lonely  days of my life.

I am thankful for all of my children.  I love the ones under my roof more than my own life.   And I love the ones in Heaven,  more than my own life.  I  am torn.  How long Lord? The word "happy" seems so empty to me now.  Happiness is a temporary feeling.  But joy is a forever fact of being given the gift of salvation and hope for my future through Jesus Christ.  This is my only hope.

As Mother's Day approaches, my heart begins to sink, but God will not allow me to be destroyed by grief, because He loves me so and will give me a strength to get through whatever happens.  As a soldier, I will put on my armor, but as a Mom, I will fall softly at the feet of my Savior and weep.

How many more days until I see my children again?  I get weary, and the tears are never ending.  Even if I am treated badly this year by people who want to pretend I haven't had 2 funerals for my sons, I am empowered by the Lord to live in truth, and my story is that I have 4 children on Earth, and 4 children in Heaven. They exist, I exist, we matter, we are valuable.  I am praying that God will give me the confidence to stand firm and not let others have power over me. The truth is that Mother's Day is hard, and it's bittersweet.  The truth is, I love my own mom more than words can express and I would never give up on life for her sake as well as the sake of my children who love me dearly.

Mother's Day is an opportunity for me to talk about my story, so I will.  May God comfort all the mommies out there who have had a child die and who will be looking for their "Jesus with skin on " people. I pray for strength to endure and to move forward with heavy hearts.

One thing shines through the pain, and that is God's love and how He sustains and comforts the broken-hearted.  Mistakes have been made on my part through my pain, I turn to God for grace, and that He can still use me to glorify Him in all that I do.  I am one day closer to holding my babies  again....

Tuesday, May 1, 2012


One of the most difficult memories that I am trying to give to God over River's death involves my husband.  Nelson had no idea if River or I would live or die when we were in surgery.  He sat alone in the waiting room, praying his heart out for one hour.  Then the doctor came in and told him the news and then they allowed Nelson to hold River.  I was still out from the anesthetic, so Nelson held his son, who had just passed away, in his arms.  I can't imagine how he felt, holding his son, while trying to figure out how he would tell me the news of River's death. The first face I saw when I woke up was Nelson, his eyes swollen from tears as he told me how beautiful River was.  And then he had to deliver the most painful news to me.  I did not take it well as you can imagine.

I love my husband more now than the day we married.  He has been through so much and carried our family through many difficult times.  I know as Nelson leads, God is carrying him.  This is a comfort to me.

Today Nelson sent me this note:

" I heard this song on KLove on the way to work.  I've heard
the tune before, but I never knew what the lyrics were about.  Before
the song began, Steven Curtis Chapman talked about how life has been
so hard the past 3 years since losing their daughter.  He has prayed
that the Lord would take him home so that he could see his little girl
(you're not alone in this prayer!).  He said his comfort has been that
while life is hard (harder than he ever imagined), the Lord will keep
His promises and he will eventually be reunited with his daugther and
ultimately be with the Lord forever.

Give my love to the children.  I love you with great passion.  Thanks
everyday for all you do for us.


Long Way Home

I set out on a great adventure
The day my Father started leading me home
He said there's gonna ge some mountains to climb
And some valleys we're gonna go through
But I had no way of knowing
Just how hard this journey could be
Cause the valleys are deeper and the mountains and steeper
Than I ever would've dreamed

But I know we're gonna make it
I know we're gonna get there soon
And I knw sometimes it feels like we're going the wrong way
It's just a long way home

I got some rocks in my shoes
Fears I wish I could lose
They make the mountains so hard to climb
And my heart gets so heavy with the weight of the world sometimes

There's a bag of regrets
My should've beens and not yets
I keep on dragging around
And I can hardly wait for the day I get to lay it all down

I know that day is coming
I know it's gonna be here soon
And I won't turn back even if the whole world says I'm going the wrong way
Cause it's just a long way home...

And when we can't take another step
The Father will pick us up and carry us in His arms

And even on the best days
He says to remember we're not home yet
So don't get too comfortable
Cause really all we are is just pilgrims passing through

Well I know we're gonna make it
And I know we're gonan get there soon
So I'll keep on singing and believing what all of my songs say
Cause our God has made a promise
And I know that everything He says is true
And I know wherever we go
He will never leave us
Cause He's going to lead us home
Every single step of the long way home

Keep on, we're gonna make it
I know we're gonna make it
We're just taking the long way home

God keeps showing me that He not only keeps me, but He keeps those I dearly love.  Even though, death has been a result of our life, He even keeps  my dear children, as I wait to see them again.  I understand why so many parents in the Bible "refused to be comforted", and I have been down that road myself.   I am letting go, and trusting God more and more, and this memory, hurts me a lot because my husband was hurting and I could not be there to comfort him during this critical time, but God was there.  I believe that by faith.  I'll never let go.

Friday, April 27, 2012

One Day Closer

Since the day  you passed  away
I thought I would never be okay
But Jesus is showing me the way
because I am one day closer

Since the day you died
I could fill a River with the tears I have cried
something about me is changing inside
because I am one day closer

As I start to head out the door
I am not sure I can do this anymore
but my feet stand firmly once more
because I am one day closer

The life I live is changing
God's spirit in my soul is Blazing
I will testify that His glory is so amazing
because I am one day closer

I am on a journey to being with you
you are in Heaven now I can hardly believe it is true
God is taking the old and making something new
because I am one day closer

This poem is dedicated to my beautiful friend, Diane, who held my hand on the journey of grief and loss.  She told me God would start to heal what was broken, and I could barely stand to hear those words.  I am so glad she lovingly told me the truth, because of her own experience, and that as hard as it was to hear, I listened.  God does heal the broken, and guides us through this journey and leads us one day closer to Heaven.

Please take a look at Diane's website,  which inspired this poem.

Saturday, April 7, 2012

9 Years, Each Day Means I am One Day Closer To Holding You Again

beautiful boy
My thoughts on River's birthday this year are quite intense.  Mostly I am missing him, and the pain does not get any less, I have had learned to manage it.  I think it's kind of like living life after losing a limb.  You  are still alive and have the ability to thrive and live, but life, is never the same.

I would never wish what has happened to me on my worst enemy.  But yet, I am humbled by the honor  of God allowing me to suffer so much.  I get a glimpse of what it is like to be on a suffering road that can't be fixed until this life is over.  I have gone through some of the things Jesus went through, not that I can even compare myself to Him, but I know He understands my pain.

I have had to let go of so many questions, so many hurts, so many regrets, so many friends and relationships.  I came to realize, nothing belongs to me, and nothing is in my control.

God chooses the weakest people to show His power for His glory and His names sake. I feel like a hot mess, so I think now, I am a perfect choice for God, because of my imperfect state on a daily basis.  Every morning I wake up, I am reminded of this.

My heart is more than heavy, and I honestly believe some damage is being done  by the physical ache I have from the deaths of my children and the memories of each loss.  I feel like I am being crushed.  And some times, it's hard to breathe.

This year, God has brought so many gentle reminders  that I am not forgotten and River is not forgotten.  He has shown me that there is a path to healing through Him and the promises He left for me in the Bible are true. I have to surrender my anger, my bitterness, my  hopes and dreams for this earthly life, and put all my eggs in Heaven's basket.  I have chosen to believe that the troubles of this life do not compare with the glories of Heaven.  

River is waiting for me.  River paved a way, so bravely, for many of our family members to follow.  His death is a testimony to believe in that Heaven is our real home, for my living children.  My daughter said,"Mommy, where is River?"  Me, "He is in  Heaven with God."  My daughter, "Tell me more about Heaven  Mommy."

I want to be clear that I will never romanticize the death of my children.  Like I said before, I would not wish this on my worst enemy.  So, I feel quite vulnerable now.  I have come to understand that life is not fair.   That the rest of my life will be extremely hard as the years go by and I am waiting for a day where, "Heaven is the face of my baby boys and girl"...that people all around will try, but not be able to understand what I am going through.

I want people to know that each day is a temptation to give up.  But, I know for a fact that even if I make that choice, God won't let me go.  He promised to never leave me and never lie to me.  I have many days of doubt and fears.  I have weaknesses, so many, I could not even list them all.  But I choose to believe in Jesus and that His promises are true.

I miss being able to say, "son".  I miss so many things.  And as I watch those around me with the blessings on Earth that I have to wait for until I get to Heaven, I am truly happy for them.  I do have to protect myself when the pain is great when certain situations that arise, but that is my pain, and it's my job to stay healthy for my girls.  So if I have to leave an event, or not participate in certain things, it is okay.

I am inspired by all the mommies  who have loved me through these hard years of loss, who understand my pain, and all who continually pray for me and encourage me.  I feel so uplifted by those who have faithfully loved me even when I have been hard to love. I will do that same for you throughout the years.

If I had a moment to send River a birthday message, I'd say:

"I love you my precious son. I miss you every moment of everyday.  I can't wait to hold you again.  We lost one of our most valuable players on the Arcilla team, but we understand that God called you home to Heaven, which, I am sure has a much better playing field.  I can't wait to get there so we can get to know each other.  See you soon my sweet baby boy."

holding hands
love, Mommy

Sunday, April 1, 2012

April is Not for Fools

Anniversary dates ring
The reminder of suffering
Heavy hearts God did bring
As He told the angels, "SING!"

Little baby born to die
Parents created to cry
Grow now, we try
Grief  is not a lie

People seem so quiet
It's like a spiritual diet
Comfort us, just try it
Mistakes won't cause a riot

I miss you more than  air
It feels like no one cares
Talk about it, do I dare?
Life is just not fair

Dear child born to Heaven
Thankful for the time we were given
Life doesn't seem worth livin'
Do I give more than I'm given?

Wake up and face another day
I can't but I do it anyway
Do I leave, or do I stay?
Your will God, have your way

I am tempted beyond belief
Life is hard and death is a thief
I want to hide underneath
This heavy blanket of grief

My heart is heavy, don't judge
I may not budge
Lord help me not hold a grudge
through the valley in which  I trudge

Little baby dear and sweet
Precious hands, precious feet
I  am so thankful we did meet
In Heaven we will greet

I'll kiss you and hold you tight!
These tears I won't fight
Flow now, faith will be sight!
Dear Lord, be my light

Lead me through the nights so dark
Guard me from a hard heart
Your wisdom to me impart
Be my shield from the flaming darts

Little boy, my  son so dear
I miss you, Lord draw me near
The sorrow will destroy me,  I  fear
You collect my every tear

Nine years make no difference from the day  you were born and I held  you, I miss you dear son, I miss you so very much.

Monday, March 26, 2012

The Hope of Heaven makes going through Hell worth it

Philippians 1:19 for I know that through your prayers and God’s provision of the Spirit of Jesus Christ what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance. 20 I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. 21 For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. 22 If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! 23 I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; 24 but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. 25 Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith, 26 so that through my being with you again your boasting in Christ Jesus will abound on account of me. "

To live is Christ to die is gain
honestly, I can't hide this pain
My grief is real and these losses really hurt
I have groveled in the pit and have become familiar with the dirt
Jesus is my comfort, my Savior, and friend
He will walk this road with me, until the bitter end
For me, now the end will be the beginning
People may see me as a loser, but I  am really winning
I  have salvation, and Jesus said he would make me a light
He will help  me face the storms and lead me through darkest nights
I'm holding on until I finally receive my ultimate grace
which is the day I will see my dear Lord face to face
I just need to trust in God and soon all will see
He conquered death on the cross for you  and for me
It is not all about this life, it is about eternity
I am a prisoner pardoned, forgiven, and set free
I am not defined by my losses but by what I will gain
I will hold my dear children once again