Saturday, September 22, 2012

Reasons for Seasons

It's the first day of Autumn today, my favorite season, which is Summer, is over now.    I enjoyed my Summer so much, each moment was not taken for granted, there were hard days, but I found good even in the bad days.

I have mixed feelings about Autumn.  I love the beauty of it, the colors, smells, rain, harvest, etc.  But, I do not like that Blaze, my dear son, is not here anymore.

He was born October 30th, and he died,  November 1, 2006.  This year, he would be turning 6 years old.  My heart is heavy with the weight of grief, but if I look back on all the healing God has done over the last six years, the word, "miracle" enters my mind.

When I found out Blaze had a fatal chromosomal syndrome, I was in shock.  I felt as if the whole room grew dark and a black hole was swirling right in front of my feet, pulling and bidding my soul to jump in.   At that moment, I had decided, I was done, I even  uttered those words to my husband.  I was  done fighting with God, and simply now, pleading with Him, acknowledging between me and Him that He is sovereign and will do as He pleases with us, but I will still  ask Him to heal my son.  That was my plan A.

I had my plan B, if God doesn't heal my son, I will end my own life.   That thinking is not something I am proud of today, but it gives a picture of where I was at emotionally.   I  went as far as sealing my goodbye notes to my husband, and each daughter, and tucking the letters away, just in case.  

When Blaze was born, he was amazing.  So  many things were going on  with him, it was a miracle  he was even born alive and lived for two days.  Each breath was painful for him.  I wanted to step in and take the pain, but I had to watch him struggle and fight to live.

See, that was where plan  C began.  I could not wrap my brain around how much Blaze fought to live.  He  knew who Nelson and  I were like any newborn baby.   He loved us, and we loved him.  We wanted  to be together and raise our precious boy, no matter how hard it would be.  We were making plans to bring him home.  I saw the courage in each breath, and I knew my 2 day old son, was showing me how to live the rest of my life.  I must fight to live for those I love, no matter the cost or the pain.  I must be self less.

I went home, tore up the goodbye notes and made a promise to God that I would not give up no matter what.  The next two years, I suffered two more losses.  Miscarriages.   People begged me to stop trying for another child.  But, in my heart and my husband's heart, we knew that was not an option.   And God blessed us with a sweet baby girl.  The journey is not easy, but because of Blaze,  there is no fear in love.  When you  love deeply, you hurt more when things don't go the way you hoped they would.  It's a risk worth taking.

This week, I have had the honor of spending time with a sweet little boy, only 2 months younger than Blaze.   He also has a chromosomal syndrome and almost died when he was born.  He was air lifted to UCSF  and had heart surgery, which saved his life.  As his mom coaches my eldest daughters sports team,  I spend  a hour or so  here and there with this young man.   We have tossed a football, blown bubbles, painted, played with play dough, crashed toy  cars together.  We have gone for little walks hand in  hand.  He gives me random hugs and wants to sit in my lap and play with my phone  taking photos and watching power rangers  on youtube.

Yesterday, he  was holding my right hand and looked on my wrist and asked, "what does that say?"  I told him, "it says, Blaze."  Amazingly, he asked, "WHO is Blaze?"  I told him, "Blaze is my son."  "Where is he" he asked.  I told him, "Blaze lives in Heaven" and I pointed upwards to the clouds.  This little guy just looked at me and smiled and we kept walking  hand in  hand.

My heart was full.  I can  not truly  say I am thankful that my son  Blaze died.  I am still devastated.  But, I am trusting in God's plan for Blaze's life, and for mine.  I am trusting  God for things I can not understand.  I am thankful  for God  bringing this little guy  in my life to bless me in the hardest season before spring comes, and I face River's anniversary  of death again.

Life is not easy  for me.  I am one who  loves my family passionately.  It is difficult to let them go and trust God  for each breath they take.  But, I am doing it.  Not perfectly, but I am doing my very best.

I miss Blaze more than my next breath, but I take that next breath in his honor, and to say  thank you, to a God, who gives and takes away.

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