Tuesday, September 25, 2012
My Hiding Place
I have never talked about this before. But, during the time I became silent and alone, where I had practically no friends, and most of my family didn't see me anymore, was actually a gift from God. God gave me a hiding place to heal. I did not see it back then. No one knew the particulars of each loss from Blaze to Miriam, to August. It was heavy. God chose to take me, and put me in the valley, with just Him and me. I shut everyone else out, but I believe, this was a part of God's plan. He made Himself all I needed. He became my all sufficient God. He was my hiding place even when I didn't understand the gift in that sanctuary.
I had my last child, at 39 years old. These photos are my very first time holding her. You have no idea what this moment meant to me. I felt like a failure for so long, I was in awe that God blessed me with a living, healthy baby. I could not believe what my 39 year old, grief stricken eyes were seeing. Little did I know one month later I almost would lose her from her marrow not kicking in to make her own blood cells. And again, I told God, I'm done...but His grace covered my weak faith and God saved her with the help of two blood tranfusions. I don't know why, but He saved me and my family from another loss. The doctor told us, if we had waited two more weeks, she'd be dead.
God is bringing me through the valley. He is blessing me through great pain. I know I can't throw a tantrum to get what I want, but I need to "be still", to trust God completely with those dear ones I love. It's hard.
The hidden miracle is the blessing of finding God alone is enough for me. It's a true blessing amidst this most difficult life. Anything ( I mean anyone) else that lifts my spirits is frosting on the cake. And I love frosting.
I am so thankful for these blessings undeserved. I have nothing to brag about in myself, except, all the gifts I have are blessings from my all sufficient Savior, Jesus Christ, my Lord.
It's painful to come out of hiding, I am making a lot of mistakes, but I know God is leading me out and through, so, by faith, I am trying to follow His lead. The Lord is near to the broken hearts.