Monday, November 19, 2012

No Sleep, I Blame Grief...

This time of year, for those of us who have endured deaths of loved ones is not easy.  Holidays are difficult.  Yes, they are.   Well at least for me they are, are they for you?  Or am I a lone ranger?  I do not really know how other people feel, but, for me, holidays are most difficult.

One symptom of grief, is loss of sleep.  So tonight, anticipating, my horrible night of sleep, I am encouraged to write out my angst.  My hearts cry.

One burden that rests on my shoulders is the lack of long suffering support.  Even from those under my own roof.  It is lacking, people forget, others I know experience the opposite.  I am so happy for them, but that is not my story.  I do not feel sorry for me, it is part of my cup.  So, I drink it.  My whole journey there had been a lack of  long term support.  But not from God, from people.  Are you long suffering?  Or are you a "one meal deal"?  Tell me, tell me which one you are?  I am not saying that bringing a meal is nothing, it is so helpful.  But, should the support stop there?

On the other hand, I know that people pray.  And sometimes, I am guilty of assuming people have forgotten, and yet, they continue to lift me up before the Lord.  That is a lot.  So for those prayers I am grateful.

Each year, facing anniversaries, holidays, and such, come with a great pill to swallow.  I choke it down each time, but it is the most difficult swallow.  Sometimes I wish I would choke on it to meet my own demise, but I do choke it down and I do come out more humble every year because I live through it, and love through it..  It's been 9 years.  I guess, the Lord has a wagon of humbleness for me to endure.  My pride must be bursting, so it needs  to be broken down, piece by piece.  So, for that, I am thankful.

River's death came as a total shock.  9 years.  It's surreal really.  I remember his death just like it happened recently.  I remember kissing his picture, knowing, this is the first problem I endured that could not be fixed.  I fell asleep in my closet holding his empty blanket, only to wake up to my living hell on earth.   His death truly left a huge void.  It's so hard to live without a person you dreamed of, and the dream came true only to be taken without ever getting to enjoy that dream come true.

The holiday  season after River was painful to say the least.  But, I was a novice at grief and loss of a child.  I do believe loss is different for each person, just as God created us all different and unique.  For me to have a child die, was a recipe for disaster.  If you know me, you will understand what I am saying.  I am not proud of my deep  love for each of my children, but, it is how God made me. Sometimes it's hard for me to balance that God comes first, and I must entrust these children in to His ultimate care. To have River die and Blaze too, well, let's just say, "not good".  God took what was dearest.  But, I believe God is turning my shortcomings for His good through the healing process, even through my mistakes.

I can't help but jump right into Blaze.  Talk about River being a shock.  Well, Blaze was a confirmation of suffering.  To carry a child full term that you knew in your heart would die.  It's a calling.  It's a painful calling;    But, I did it.  With much pain, I did it.  I begged for healing....have you ever seen a beggar?  Truly.  Someone who is really in need? And then,  people just pass by?  That's how I felt.  I was begging for one thing, but God chose another....and I had my heart broken......and my spirit broken.  God knew what He was doing, He promised not to destroy me, it was a close call.

Well, many nights since the death of Blaze, I have asked the Lord to take me home.  It's a selfish request. And He has said no.  I am humbled as I have seen many young Christian adults before me die.  It's had me in a turmoil at times.Why them and not me?  I want to  go, they wanted to live...and I am still here.

I will never forget the struggle I had when Blaze died.  The night Blaze was born, a mommy of a Down Syndrome baby died during delivery, and the baby lived.   So the very night my son who had Trisomy 18 was born, the mommy of a Trisomy 21 baby died.   In the same hospital, the same night.  One mommy lived, me, and one mommy died, one baby lived, her baby, and my baby died....I asked God, "Why?"!  Why didn't you take me, and not let that mommy live?"!  Why leave one and not the other, and one and not the other???  I was  angry!!!!  Take me and Blaze and leave that Mommy and her son.....but God said, no, and He did it His way.  His way was best, I see that now.

As a result, my heart became angry.  And two miscarriages later, and cancer testing for a year, I became bitter.  I was angry at everyone, for reasons unexplained.  I took my  pain  out on those close to me, which resulted in those close to me becoming distant, ruined relations, and consequences paid in full.  Nothing will ever be the same.  I believe God can continue to heal those relationships, they might not ever be the same, but they can be even better.

Is my heart aching for healing within these broken relationships, or is my heart in a deeper longing for Heaven and being reunited with the dear ones I held?   I think the latter.  So it leaves me in an awkward place.  I long for peace and harmony, and I long for Heaven and for relief.  The stronger pull is the latter.  I confess this to the :Lord everyday.  I want to have both equal.

Some are still angry and/or disappointed in me for my fall, but I long for Heaven more than for acceptance from them.   I have to live under the Lord and His grace.  I am not sure how to go from here, my pain has been so made known to me that it has to be kept private for the most part. My private pain is a reality for my everyday life.  Therefore, I have to live under God's grace.  Especially this time of year, when it all wants to come to the surface and rear it's ugly head. My desire is to be with the Lord.  So if people have a problem with me, I am so sorry, but I am more aching for Heaven. I felt done last year, and here I am again.  My acceptance and grace has to come from the Lord during times of difficulty.  Which is all the time.

The Lord calls for peace, so that is my prayer this year.  To be at peace with those who are not at peace with me.  Soften our hearts Lord.  Help us to see You!  Help me to see You, over my own grief and pain. Help me to love those who do not love me, and help those who do not love me, to love me.

Now, I need to talk about my contentment.  I am content.  I know what God planned for me, for River, Blaze, Miriam and August was for our good!  Don't get me wrong.  I am human, and I struggle  I will miss them every single moment!  But, still, I accept God's plan.  I always believed I would teach my children great things about God, but instead, my children are the ones teaching me great things about God.  And that great thing is eternal life with our dear Savior, Jesus Christ!  It's the most important thing.

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