Monday, December 17, 2012

Lifted Hands

Many  who know me know  that I have my  sons  names tattooed on the top of my wrists.  I have been asked the question, "why are the names facing out and not towards you"?  The reason  why is because, I had to give Blaze and River back to the Lord. So when  I  lift my hands up towards  Him, it symbolizes this act of    love and obedience to  the Lord.  It wasn't always this easy.  I thought about this as I watched the President address the families who's children were taken from them  abruptly without warning, the sobs in the audience sounded familiar.  I remember those sobs myself as I held my sons  lifeless bodies in my arms.  Problems on this Earth that can't be fixed, test the faith  to the ultimate core  of who we are.

I  used to be afraid to lift my hands in worship.  Wondering who would  judge me.  Wondering if I'd  seem a little weird.   But now, it's not about what others think, it's a  matter of the heart.  When I sing worship songs to the Lord,  a lot of times, it's  difficult, due to my  heavy heart and longing for Heaven.  The words  of these songs  penetrate to my soul. Due to my aching to see my children again and for faith to finally be sight I lift up my hands and most the time I am sobbing.  I  lift up my hands a lot now,  because I have to constantly give my children back to the Lord.  I  have to "let go".   So I  do, and it hurts, real  bad.  I don't care if this makes me look  weird,  because it is sincere, and  I have  nothing to lose only love and comfort to gain from the Lord.

Recently,  I  took up  running.    It will  be three months this December  25th!   I have run my first 5k, with a dear friend, and  we  did well!  It was very moving for me, that as I crossed the finish line, all I could think of, was Heaven.  And, I automatically raised my hands to Heaven.  I imagined what it would be  like, to finally be done and enter into the Kingdom of Heaven and rejoice and spend eternity praising God.  After the race, I felt  stronger  in my faith, and weaker as a person if that makes sense.    I am no longer trying to be accepted by people,  but striving to cross the finish line, where my Savior says, "well done".    I did not know that a picture would be snapped of  me doing this, but I am thankful that I can look back and see my  foot just about to cross that line and my hands  raised up to Heaven!!!   And I am not alone, not only is the Lord  my help, but my friends push me to keep going, to never give up and to dig deep to finish the race. God is filling me up,  and  I can see that He is working a miracle in me.   I am so thankful, His love is so amazing!

My heart is broken, and the Lord has been sustaining me for almost 10 years of grief.   It is a testimony of the ultimate grace and mercy of  Jesus Christ.  Eternal life is the goal, eternity with Christ  and  where all tears will be wiped  away,  all broken hearts will be complete once again.  This is my only hope.

Psalm 141

A psalm of David.

I call to you, Lord, come quickly to me;
    hear me when I call to you.
May my prayer be set before you like incense;
    may the lifting up of my hands be like the evening sacrifice.

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